Dear diary… Do I deserve this? Really?

I’m sat on a plane again and feel the need to ramble a little — so here goes. Lately I’ve been asking myself, “Do I deserve this?”

This is an update on my life. I write this as much for myself as for anyone else reading, and I hope parts of it resonate with you.

The last two and a half years have been emotionally hard. A devastating breakup, a move, and a complete upheaval of everything that felt normal. Alongside that there have been major milestones — some painful, some joyful. I welcomed a grandson, and despite the rough patches there have been remarkable highlights that I’m grateful for.

2019

So far 2019 has been brilliant. It’s only 19 days in and things are trending upwards. I’m busy and very happy — and there’s even a hint of romance (yes, I said the R word). I’m not tempting fate, but do cross your fingers for me. I’ll share more about that later.

After 2.5 years of upheaval, where am I now? Can you recover from the depths and rebuild a new life? The answer, right now, seems to be a wholehearted yes.

Today I’m a happy woman. Most aspects of my life are in order. I’m moving forward intentionally, trying to slow down enough to notice things instead of rushing past them — that’s something I still need to work on.

I make a lot of decisions on my own now. There’s no partner in crime to discuss everything with, but you learn to improvise and find new confidants. Friends and family have been invaluable — I run big ideas past them and that’s been reassuring. I also have a business coach, Angela, who helped me untangle the muddle in my head and gave me space to think. Thank you, Angela.

So I have finally done it!

I took the plunge and pressed GO on a major investment in my home. I bit the bullet and said yes to a kitchen extension — the Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Kitchen.

OMG OMG #EPLSKITCHEN

I agonised quietly for ages — the what-ifs kept me up at night. Who would back me? What if it all goes wrong? But this time I felt strong and confident enough to take the risk. If I didn’t do it now, I knew I never would.

I’ve worked hard for over 30 years, rarely taking long breaks. I don’t have children of my own, so investing in my home felt like something I deserved. The council challenged my plans three times, but I persevered. With some amendments I finally got approval, and on January 7th the work began. I’m elated and excited about the possibilities. Do I deserve this? I’m leaning towards yes.

I tend to overthink and play out worst-case scenarios. I always ask myself whether I could handle the worst outcome. If the answer is yes, I go for it. Do you do that too, or is it just me?

Is it possible to recover?

Yes — even when you’re certain it isn’t. It’s okay to be alone, to make big decisions on your own, and to find happiness in that independence. I’m a changed person: still busy and a little manic at times, but happier and kinder, I hope.

The start of 2019 has been fantastic so far, and I can’t wait to show you the new kitchen and the rest of the downstairs updates — moving the cloakroom, pantry and lounge — I never do things by halves.

Thanks

Huge thanks to Jane, Dolly, my mum and my brother — who nudges me for the right reasons and is always right. Thank you also to my amazing builders, A G Hugo Limited, who are making the build stress-free, and to DeVOL Kitchens for the next exciting phase.

I will have a social space to entertain

When it’s finished I’ll have a bright, airy space to cook, drink, talk and laugh with the people I love. A place to work, blog, vlog and photograph food. Supper clubs, cookery days — it feels almost unreal, and I’m pinching myself.

Often I wonder: do I deserve this? Then I think of the weeks, months and years of hard graft, the time away from home and the stresses I’ve shouldered. My conclusion is: why not? We only live once.

I’m nearly in Copenhagen to see my dear friend Inger and celebrate many years of friendship and collaboration. The A team is enjoying some well-earned time together.

To anyone going through heartbreak: it will be okay. Time moves on. We may crawl for a while, but eventually we stand and march again. Nothing stays the same.

Amen to that. Do I deserve this? Maybe — just maybe — I do.

Big love, Clare x

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