One of the most common frustrations for parents of children with attachment issues is how to respond to lying. Everyone lies at times, but for kids with attachment challenges, developmental trauma, or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), dishonesty can become a frequent pattern. Read on for practical guidance on parenting children who lie.
Big lies.
Small lies.
Consistent dishonesty.
In a previous post I discussed What to Do When Your Kids Lie to You, explaining that fear often drives lying and offering a conversation starter to explore that fear.
Today I’m sharing additional insights from Angie Hurley, an adoptive parent, who contributed an article to a foster-parent resource and allowed it to be shared here.
How Can I Stop My Child From Lying?
by Angie Hurley, adoptive mom
Parents commonly ask:
- How do I make the lying stop?
- How can I help a child understand that lying is wrong?
Think back to your foster-parent training and the section on trauma. Trauma creates real physiological changes in the brain, particularly impacting the limbic system where emotion, behavior, and long-term memory are regulated.
Trauma affects the emotional brain and its communication with the thinking brain. Keep that in mind in every interaction.
Those changes are not undone quickly by hugs, stability, or affection. For some children, the brain may never fully return to a previous state; others will need to learn new ways to regulate and respond. A child whose brain is conditioned to live in fight-or-flight may never be fully free of that response but can learn to manage the initial surge of emotion.
Lying can serve many functions for a child who has experienced trauma:
- Protection: “If I tell the truth, I might be punished, and punishment can hurt.”
- Fear: “If I’m not perfect, they won’t want me.”
- Control: “So much in my life is outside my control, but I can control what others know about me.”
- Impulse and shame: “I acted on impulse and now I’m embarrassed to admit it.”
With children who have neurotypical development, truth-telling is often encouraged through consistent modeling, a cooperative relationship, and a desire to emulate trusted adults. Those tools don’t work as well with children who haven’t yet formed a secure attachment. You must address the underlying cause before you can change the behavior.
This process can take years. My son came to our family at 14 and is now 20. Even after six years of consistent care, he still needs to see my actions before his brain fully trusts that I will meet his needs.
This isn’t personal. He calls when he’s angry, sad, lonely, scared, excited, or just to share something. When calm, he says he trusts me. But the moment stress hormones like cortisol rise, his hyper-vigilant brain reverts to strategies that once kept him safe—screaming, lying, or manipulating—to ensure his needs are met.
My best response is to remain calm and not take it personally. I acknowledge his fear, remind him I’m present, and prepare to help him regulate when he’s ready.
If I immediately confront the “bad” behavior or demand logic, I risk re-triggering stress before he has recovered. Instead I prioritize the relationship. I might say, “I’m sorry telling me the truth doesn’t feel safe. I want to be someone you can trust. We’ll keep working together to build that trust.”
Often parents say they need to teach a child that lying breaks trust. The deeper reality is that the child often cannot trust you yet, even when they want to. When their nervous system calms and neurons settle, the child will have more stability, security, and age-appropriate control.
Have you parented a child with attachment issues who struggles to tell the truth?
More Posts You Will Love
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): What is RAD and Why Should You Care?
Attachment Issues: When Family Life is Not Working
4 Categories of Attachment Disorder
